My name is Sabrina. Both my parents were in the S.O. when I was born. I grew up in the Cadet Org in Largo, FL. When I was 13 I joined the S.O., signing a billion year contract. I completed the EPF a few months later, and was posted in the TTC.
I studied up to Pro TRs, and then was posted as an Examiner in the Coachman when I was 15. Working 50+ hours a week. I had school one day a week on Sunday from 9am to 6pm. Scool was very relaxed and we got to choose what we wanted to study.
My dad was declared from the Church when I was 15 because of having an out 2-D. I cried but kept going on. I was busted from the Examiner position, and posted as Qual I&I when I was 16. My mom was in the S.O. still and battling cancer. She actually wanted to take the altrnative approach to curing her cancer, but she was pressured into having chemo by Church members. She passed away late 1997.
So my brother (13 years old) and I were in the S.O. with no parents. We were given guardians legally. I met a guy and got married when I was 17. I felt it was love, but he blew, was sent to the RPF and routed out unbeknowst to me. I was notified once he was already back in California. I had a breakdown after he left. The one person that made me feel alive, and whom I truely loved was gone, and I couldn’t talk to him, write him, or anything. I tried to call him when I took a leave to visit my uncle. He didn’t seem like he cared as much anymore, and that upset me.
I tried to route out when I was 18, and I was already on a mental decline, I felt worthless, felt like I had to hide my true feelings, and felt very empty all the time. It was too difficult to try and leave, I had been doing mest work for two months already, and hadn’t even started any sec check or auditing yet. Plus I was being follwed everywhere, and being told what to do everyday.
So I gave in and said I was “handled” and back onto post I went. Except this time I was in Div 4, as a Board I/C. Once again back into pretending like nothing was wrong, and everyday was a lie to myself and everyone else.
My dad worked through his A-E steps, and I could finally talk to him again when I was 19. I so wanted to tell him I wanted to leave, but if I did I would be punished with a possible declare myself, so I opted not to tell him either, though I so wanted to. He picked up on it though, and was very suppotive and wanted to help. But a few months later, once again he was declared for arguing some policy within the church.
So there I was again. I finally built such a wall around me so no one could influance my true desires, but lieing to everyone smiling everyday. It was anguish and soon I could take it no more. I once again chose to route out, and remember people trying to handle me once again, but I blocked them out this time, all the while telling myself I was a piece of shit and worthless. I went on route out lines once again, and started doing mest work for months on end. My whole sec check was “Do you plan to contact your dad when you leave” I said “no” , and eventually they stopped with that.
I remember having mental breakdowns when I was on the route out lines because I was already mentally unstable. I also remember being very scarred of the security guards who would walk in and out of our study room all day. They were very agressive, and very stern. I was scarred most of the time.
Eventally they said I was done with the route out steps, and was going to New Mexico to work at a Scientology school. I did that for a year, and eventually came back to Clearwater, and was living with some Scientologists I had grown up with. I decided to evtually contact my dad about 2 years ago and am doing much better now. I am working on being certain of myself and not doing things to please others. I am trying to get back to who I was.